The Weekend Pour: Are You OK?
Every Friday, bringing you a book, podcast, and article that I'm reading or listening to with a drink in hand.
Welcome to the Weekend Pour!
A friend texted me Wednesday morning: “I’m not OK.”
I wanted to console them and say it’s going to be alright. As such, I was about to offer the usual reassurances until my better judgement kicked in. I want them to be OK and find a way to flourish amid stressful, even traumatizing, experiences. But what I didn’t want for them was to pretend to be OK or gloss over their real suffering.
"OKism" is the reflexive tendency to reassure others that things will be fine without thoughtful reflection, fostering a mindset that leans on platitudes and discourages deeper consideration. This habit can subtly pressure people into accepting superficial affirmations rather than engaging with the complexities of a situation.
At its worst, OKism can suppress genuine emotions, encouraging people to bottle up their feelings rather than address them openly. This avoidance can drive individuals to rely on negative coping mechanisms, such as drinking, as a way to numb or escape unresolved issues.
You don’t have to be “OK” to build resilience or find meaning in suffering. To be clear, I’m not advocating for suffering; it’s seldom desirable, and sometimes it holds no inherent meaning at all. I’m simply acknowledging suffering as a universal human experience and, correspondingly, our need to respond to it. One of the most powerful responses we can choose is to reframe it, seeking meaning and purpose within it.
Either way, this thought led me to the following drink, article, podcast, and book.
The Drink: Water
Every week, I suggest something I’m drinking that you also might enjoy. But, perhaps, sometimes I take this luxury for granted. Water is a precious resource for some and, while having delicious non-alcoholic drinks doesn’t take away from that, sometimes its important to consider how we can support others in need.
One bartender decided to do exactly that.
Wine to Water (WTW) founder Doc Hendley was mixing drinks in a North Carolina bar when he began hosting wine nights to raise funds for water solutions. His journey then took him to Darfur, where he built wells for communities impacted by conflict. Today, WTW partners with local leaders in Nepal, Tanzania, the Dominican Republic, the Amazon, and Western North Carolina, recently hit by Hurricane Helen, to deliver sustainable WASH (water, sanitation, hygiene) solutions that drive education, women’s empowerment, healthcare, and economic growth.
You can donate to WTW here, and next week I’ll return with a delicious drink in hand.
The Article: “Resilience in the Real World: Pushing past the buzz word and getting to what matters.” by Darlene Marshall, MAPP
Let’s face it—resilience is one of those words that gets incanted as some magical spell capable of resolving life’s hardest moments. But when you’re in those moments, resilience seems magical in an entirely other way, unreal.
In her Substack article, Resilience in the Real World, my friend and mentor Darlene Marshall digs into what resilience really is, beyond the Instagram quotes and coaching jargon. She looks at Dr. Martin Seligman’s discovery of “learned helplessness” in the 1960s, a revelation that led him to question why some people don’t just survive challenges but keep pushing through when others give up.
However, real resilience isn’t just about powering through; it’s about accepting where you’re at sometimes, even when you feel anything but OK. Marshall once called these “sail down” days in one of our conversations.
She also shares in the article that resilience is about finding small ways to adapt, leaning on your people, and reconnecting with what matters most. And, when your sail is up, realizing that community, belonging, and mattering is a two-way street. Make sure you show up for others, too.
The Podcast: BBC News | The Why Factor: Resilience
“Resilience isn’t a single thing. It’s a set of qualities that people can learn, but it’s definitely not the same as being invulnerable or bullet proof.” - Dr. David Westley
In The Why Factor episode on resilience, host Abby Hollick delves into why some people seem to cope better with stress and trauma than others and busts myths such as the one above. Through conversations with experts like Dr. Westley and others, Hollick uncovers that resilience is not a fixed trait but a skill that can be cultivated. This idea reframes resilience as something we can actively develop rather than something we’re simply born with. Psychological strategies, supportive relationships, and environments that promote growth are key factors that allow individuals to build resilience over time, regardless of their starting point.
One of the essential insights shared is that adaptability plays a crucial role in resilience. Resilient individuals are able to adjust their mindset and expectations when life doesn’t go as planned. Flexibility, in this sense, enables them to navigate the unpredictable nature of challenges more effectively. As with Marshall’s article, the episode also highlights the importance of community and social connections, which provide a sense of belonging and practical support that acts as a buffer against adversity. A supportive network can make a profound difference, offering emotional grounding that fosters resilience in the face of hardship.
The Book: Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
I know it may sound naive, but even after watching movies and documentaries about the Holocaust, walking through the Holocaust Museum, and reading about the horrors of concentration camps, I still wasn’t prepared for Viktor Frankl’s raw, unflinching description of life in Auschwitz in Man’s Search for Meaning. But Frankl’s account goes beyond just recounting pain; it shows a profound compassion for suffering in all its forms, refusing to place one experience of suffering above another.
Frankl uses a powerful analogy to convey his point:
To draw an analogy: a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of a gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the "size" of human suffering is absolutely relative.”
― Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
It was during his time at Auschwitz that Frankl developed his theory of logotherapy, including the belief that finding meaning can save us in our most difficult moments. It wasn’t always the physically strong who survived the camps, he observed, but those who found a reason, even a small one, to keep going. It’s this spark of meaning—no matter how faint—that can light the way forward, guiding us through our darkest moments.
Now my friends, I hope you’re OK.
But even more, I hope that you have some spark, some meaning or purpose, to steel you and build the necessary resilience to believe a brighter future can exist. I’m not sure if it will, to be honest, but I do know that without our belief in it, it hasn’t got a chance.
Thank you to Oar Health for your important work and sponsorship of Positive Damage! Learn more about how Oar Health can help you drink less or quit here.
Thanks for this, Derek. (Water is an excellent choice.)