The "Make You Something" Gambit

Despite the growth of non-alcoholic alternatives, there are still plenty of bars that don't have non-alcoholic menus. Here's what to order instead.

Photo by Garett Mizunaka on Unsplash

In many bars… “there is now a category on the menu dedicated to NA drinks”…

Take a peek at your favorite bar, brewery or restaurant’s menu: You’ll likely see several nonalcoholic beers, wines and/or cocktails.

The shifting mindset around drinking is being reflected in the market…

Despite what Forbes, Seattle Times, and CNN have written, among others, it’s still very common to belly up to a bar and stare down a list of sodas, tea, and coffee under the banner of non-alcoholic drinks. Not an adult sophisticated non-alcoholic drink in sight. Of course, if you’d like, the bartender can always “make you something.”

Those three words––“make you something”––are the equivalent of hearing, “Macbeth is playing at your local community theater” or “your nephew is performing Beethoven at his piano recital.” It’s not that it won’t be entertaining, but the odds of it being sublime are now considerably less. Still, it isn’t always the sublime we seek and, if you’re willing to roll the dice, let ‘em role.

For me, I feel a little less comfortable with those odds, and I generally prefer something that military strategists and business leaders might call a “known known” versus an “known unknown.” Therefore, I have a few ready non-alcoholic drinks that can be made virtually anywhere, whether or not that bar is “on-trend” or has ever even heard of mindful drinking, sober curious, etc.

Let’s begin with the most unassuming thirst quenching, gut-healing highball that has ever graced the bar top: Bitters & Soda. Far from a compromise, this simple combo improves tasteless water and makes cocktail bitters palatable, a veritable peanut butter and jelly combination. Almost every bar in America has a bottle of Angostura bitters sitting behind the bar and a few drops are all you need.

It’s important to note that Angostura has 44.7% alcohol by volume (ABV), which is higher than most spirits. But should you stick with two dashes or less, you’re safely in non-alcoholic territory (.5% ABV or less). Writer Camper English did the calculations for us:

Table is from Camper English’s article, How Much Alcohol Do Bitters Contribute to a Non-Alcoholic Drink?.

If you don’t want alcohol, even the faintest amount, All the Bitter makes excellent alcohol-free bitters and you can theoretically carry them with you and just order the soda. (Sorry, bartenders, but this is fair game if you don’t have NA options.) And, if you just want to enjoy a cold Bitters & Soda at the beach or at your kids sports game, Hella Cocktail Co. makes a canned “Classic Dry Aromatic” Bitters & Soda.

Another excellent serve may require a few additional ingredients that are available at bars specifically with cocktails: ginger beer, mint, and lime. Let’s call it the Impromptu NA Mule. Ginger Beer and lime work great together, the lime cuts down the sweetness of the ginger beer while retaining the spicy ginger notes.

If you want to dress it up for a tastier drink at home, order Uncle Waithley’s Ginger Beer, created by bartender Karl Franz. One of the better non-alcoholic products that I’ve tasted this year. It’s a traditional Caribbean-style ginger beer brewed in small batches with a little extra bite from Scotch bonnet peppers.

Photo by Bon Vivant on Unsplash

If you don’t mind something fruity, the NA Madras is always a good choice. Cranberry juice, orange juice, and lime juice may all be fruit juices, but they each offer different attributes. Cranberry adds bitterness while the lime keeps it from being overly sweet. An extra lime can off-set the sweetness even more. Lastly, I also enjoy a splash of soda water to add effervescence.

The Virgins are a group of drinks that, made without alcohol, are still pretty good. Mostly because they don’t rely entirely on alcohol but, instead, use stronger flavors to mask the alcohol such as pineapple, coconut, or tomato juice. The Virgins are: Virgin Mojito, Virgin Daiquiri, Virgin Piña Colada, and Virgin Mary.

A quick note about the term “virgin” as a pre-fix for non-alcoholic cocktails: I’m not a fan. Lorelei Bandrovschi, an early pioneer of non-alcoholic drinks and founder of Listen Bar, articulated it better than I as a side bar in my book, Mindful Mixology: A Comprehensive Guide to No- and Low-Alcohol Cocktails:

The term plays into the false connotation of not drinking as a signal of being a prude. It brings up the weird cultural fascination with virginity and yet also how virginity is weaponized as a point of ridicule against adults. Then there's the disturbing history of alcohol culturally viewed as a social lubricant, aphrodisiac, the notion of 'beer goggles,' in contrast with the reality of alcohol as the biggest date rape drug and its complicated place in the #MeToo conversation. In a more immediate sense, seeing ‘virgin drinks’ on a menu suggests serving them to children, whose palates aren’t fully formed, and implies you’re 'missing out.' 

Yet, I know well that when you order a “non-alcoholic” Bloody Mary, your bartender is sure to pause and ask, “You mean a Virgin Mary?” I’m all for a robust discussion about language and power, but ordering at a bar may not offer the best opportunity to drudge up your old college-era Foucault quotes. (Although I would argue that it’s a fascinating topic over a non-alcoholic drink once seated with friends.)

Photo by Tatyana Vega on Unsplash

First, we have the Virgin Mojito. Much like the Impromptu NA Mule, it relies on mint and lime to do the heavy lifting, though the mint takes a more prominent role here. While mint is often associated with sweet things––there was a time in the 2000s that you couldn’t get a dessert without raspberry coulis and mint––it also adds a little bitterness and bite, too. If you’ve ever chewed on mint, you know it’s not just the bright aromatic burst that mint imparts. Mint’s menthol also adds piquancy and, in large quantities, can be an irritant.

Frozen Virgin Daiquiris are often the call, but I think you’ll do better with a frozen Virgin Strawberry Daiquiri. Don’t expect anything complex here. It’s a simple formula of strawberry purée, lime, and sugar. However, pool-side, on a hot day, this drink is truly sublime. Of course, the bar will need to have a blender. You can make a Strawberry Daiquiri with fresh berries but, by then, chances are the bartender has a repertoire of non-alcoholic drinks and some Seedlip hanging around somewhere nearby.

Same goes for a Virgin Piña Colada. Not going to be the most complex NA beverage. It’s usually just cream of coconut and canned pineapple juice, maybe lime, over crushed ice. But it’s going to taste good no matter what. Just a little sweet. (BTW, I’ve already written about the single best recipe for a non-alcoholic Piña Colada, aka Not-a-Colada, here. You can also combine the Virgin Strawberry Daiquiri and Virgin Piña Colada for a Virgin Miami Vice.)

Photo by Maria Georgieva on Unsplash

Lastly, I give you the Virgin Mary. It’s among the best non-alcoholic orders when bartenders are out-of-the-know. I admit that many bars keep a stock Bloody Mary mix behind the bar that hasn’t been used since last Sunday. Maybe the one before that. Note taken. Instead, ask for a freshly made drink. It can be canned tomato juice or even V8 vegetable, but it can’t be sitting and stewing with hot sauce and spices for a week or more. Bonus if they happen to have Clamato juice, which makes a delicious Virgin Mary. And it’s OK to lean on the spice but make sure lemon and lime are also used. Citrus brightens up the drink considerably.

Hopefully, this gives you a few ready orders apart from soda with lime. There are far better non-alcoholic drinks to be had, no doubt. But, in a pinch, this may save you from being the recipient of a reluctant emissary of mindful drinking’s experiment. Unfortunately, from community theater and your nephew’s recital, I can offer no reprieve.

---

I’m including some of the recipes below even though they’re all quite simple because they can make a great base to experiment at home. Let me know if you try any and, if so, what if anything you did to augment the recipe.

Impromptu NA Mule

Single Serving/Highball or Copper Mug

• 4 oz. Ginger beer

• Lime wedge

• Mint sprig

Combine ingredients in a highball glass, squeeze lime, and add ice. Stir and garnish with mint sprig.

NA Madras

Single Serving/Highball

• 3 oz. Cranberry Juice

• 1 oz. Orange Juice

• 1/4 oz. Lime Juice

• Splash of Soda (optional)

Combine ingredients in a highball glass and add ice. Stir and garnish with lime wedge

Virgin Mojito

Single Serving/Highball

• 4 oz. Soda water (or lemon-lime soda)

• 1 Lime, quartered (this is a technique used to make Caipirinhas and works great when you want more zest/flavor from the lime)

• 1 oz. Simple syrup (can be adjusted to taste)

• 4 Mint sprigs, reserve one for garnish

Muddle limes and mint with simple syrup in a highball. Add ice, soda and garnish with mint sprig. Serve with straw.

Virgin Mary

Single Serving/Highball

• 4 oz. Tomato juice (or V8 Vegetable Juice)

• Dash Worcestershire Sauce

• 3 dashes Hot sauce

• Pinch Salt

• Pinch Pepper

• 1/4 oz. Lemon juice

• 1/4 oz. Lime Juice

Combine ingredients in a highball. Add ice, stir, and garnish with lemon and lime. Avoid, by any means necessary, the gluttonous temptation to hook a hamburger, bacon, and grilled shrimp to the side of the drink.

---

Derek Brown is an author, NASM-certified wellness coach, and founder of Positive Damage, Inc.

This newsletter is free and public. Share with anyone you think will enjoy it.